My creative juicer is broken...

Tonight my manager addressed me as "creative mind." That title couldn't possibly be farther from the truth right now. I've been down in the dumps-y all week and unable to finish anything worth merit, but I figured I'd give it a late night college try. 

Monday the TV dude came. Well, a new TV dude...not the previously mentioned Dish Network Creeper. He told me that the aforementioned creeper installed a sick HDMI cable and that my TV woes would be over. I spent the day celebrating this fact, I think. Oh, and attempting to talk some sense into admissions at Shepherd to get them to forward my application as a non-degree seeking student quick like a bunny to Tracy Seffers for my English classes next semester. 

Tuesday was my first adventure in substitute teacher land, and boy was it. Eighth grade English. I went to the school on the "bad" side of town with the "bad" reputation. Those kids sure did give Ms. Joan Jett (I don't give a damn 'bout my bad reputation...) a run for her money. Halfway through the day, the most logical action to take was turning off all of the classroom lights and hiding under the desk instead of retrieving the kiddos from lunch. I'm pretty sure it was a combination of factors. Mostly age, though. Eighth grade is rough wherever you go...even in my lily-white, middle class, picket fence and cookies side of town when I was thirteen...eighth grade sucked. I'm due to sub tomorrow, but my tummy is acting all weird (I tried to bring back my stomach of steel this weekend -- no success), so I'm getting up at 6 in the morning to see how I feel, after that I can call the sub system and call out. 

Really, all I think I need is a day off. After a really rough first day of subbing (even the secretaries at the school I was in felt bad for me...) I had about an hour to re-charge my batteries at the new-ish Starbucks in Hagerstown and then had to report to work to close. I proceeded to close most of the nights last week (I need time to sub) and worked all weekend and now I'm exhausted. My body may very well be screaming for a day off to get my self settled for a big train adventure starting on Sunday. 

Yes, train adventure. For those readers who don't know me...somewhere between my spring break trip to San Francisco and a visit to my mother when she first moved into the new house in Texas in April, I developed a paralyzing fear of flying. I discovered the greatness of Amtrak over the summer, and it's a three-day journey from here to there, but an enjoyable one with a lay over in Chicago (yes, I'm aware this makes no sense geographically...). I'll get to that later. 

Basically...nothing's been really coming out as far as words are concerned, and I'm truly worried that all this retail and yelling at kiddies is going to turn my brain to more mush and I won't be able to recover when I start classes. 

But, then again, I worry too much. 

How are you? 

Terror in Dating

While at work today, I needed things to think about, and actually found some sort of inspiration in a friend of mine who is going through a bit of a rough spot currently. 

So, I'm writing about it. She gave me permission, no worries. 

Two friends of mine recently ended a pretty long term relationship. Along with the troubles that accompany any ended relationship, my friend is also now thinking about re-entering the dating world with a vivacious attitude that only recently single girls really ever have. It's cute, but when I see her going through this, between the stresses of dating and the excitement of being a new, single woman I can't help but feel bad for her. 

I really hope John is the one for me at this point, because I really don't know what I would do without him or what I would do if I was suddenly faced with the thought of, ick, dating.

We don't realize it after it's happened...it being...you know...those awkward strings of first meetings when two people are deciding how they feel about one another. (I'm leaving this completely gender neutral, I'm straight, but not narrow, folks) In fact, as I explained to my friend tonight it seems that my generation has tried to eliminate the stress put on the word dating by using the word in a completely different context. 

Now, dating has been replaced with hanging out. Hanging out being those first few meeting points where to prospective relationship participants. In the past, the term hanging out took a lot of stress off of being around a boy I was attracted to. It was easy to say I was just hanging out with someone, going for a cup of coffee or a bite to eat, just as I would with a close friend or relative. It didn't bring along too many questions of kissing and hugging and baby making, until, of course, we get to the subject of payment. (To be explained later)

My mother has told me that my hanging out is her generation's dating. That dating was something people did when they were testing the waters of mutual attraction. Courting, to bring it back even further. While my mother's generation went steady my generation dates or is together. We're all just terrified. 

Semantics aside, hanging out becomes questionable as soon as wallets, cash and debit cards are pulled out. Early boyfriends never really forked out the cash for any dates, so in December of 2006, the following conversation had with my roommate came as a bit of a shock to me. 

Roommate: So, what did you guys do this afternoon?

Clueless me: We had coffee at the Lost Dog, walked around town for a bit in that bookstore and then had dinner at Blue Moon. 

Really? Who paid?

Well, we each paid for our own cup of coffee...

Oh, not a date.

What? He bought dinner. 

THAT WAS A DATE. 

Had I any idea that the mere thought of this poor boy pulling out his wallet to pay for my quesadillas would bring up questions as to my status with or without him, I would have made him put it back immediately. As soon as he signed the receipt for our meal, it was my duty, as a girl, to question his every move towards me thereafter. 

Here lies the biggest problem with dating. Thinking.

When it all comes down to it, maybe choosing suitors for your child when they are born isn't too terrible of an idea. I mean, I'm all for the idea of marrying for love and finding someone who completes you, blah blah blah, but had I trusted my parents judgment on my relationships I could have kept myself out of some major issues. Not that they didn't try. My parents mean well, and in the grand scheme of things most of their decisions that they have helped me make have really benefitted me. (Save, of course, when my mom suggested I read 1984 by George Orwell for my sixth grade science fiction project. I was just starting to grasp democracy, and here she is making me read a satire of a totalitarian society...I enjoyed it much more in high school) Their picking of a suitor would have helped with a lot of sleepless nights and hindsight is 20/20 moments. Parents mean well. 

Or, I'm just incredibly lazy, and think too much about this. (But, I already saved my ass on saying that earlier)

Either way, dating has either become something way more stressful than it should be or always has been. I still wish all my vivacious single friends all the luck in the world. That scene isn't for me. 

Thanks for reading

All of our bras are buy one, get one 50% off right now.

In the week since I last posted, I have entered the workforce. My new job at the outlet mall isn't really as bad as I anticipated, in fact, I think I might even like it. I have never really had any sort of part-time job that I can safely say I actually like, but this job is slightly beyond the dummy movements of the fast food industry or the pain of hostessing. I get to make small talk with customers, since I'm quite slow at ringing them up so far and I've helped one or two on my own, and when I finish helping them they seem to be very happy. People seem to feel that they too can have slightly more intimate conversations with their intimates sales people. The first woman who told me about underwear, her husband and their children (you do the math) caught me off guard, but significant others seem to be some of the first people considered when people are purchasing new underwear...significant others, support and comfort. It's nice, and so are my managers and co-workers, I think it'll be a good fit to last me until I at least start my masters' program.

Things all around are going much better than they were my first two weeks here. Getting up, getting out and doing things has already done wonders to my anxiety. Once I get into a routine, I'm going to start Yoga for Beginners. It came in at the beginning of this week from Amazon. I started one of the ten-minute routines, and it just felt really nice to be able to relax and get into some breathing. I'll probably get a mat today though, as my carpet is a little slippery and I am very clumsy. I started the Couch-to-5k plan not too long ago, but in the haze of moving and changing locations, I fell out of the routine. I'm going to re-start it around the time I start the Yoga plan. It felt good to run, and also really helped to curb some anxiety, and with dropping temperatures and a park right across the street, working, Yoga and running will help to create a much more sound me until I get back into my element. 

My fears of being alone have decreased significantly. I've come to enjoy the quiet of the morning, sipping my coffee, filling my belly with Raisin Bran Crunch and checking out headlines on CNN. Life without television may have been very good for me, except for the fact that I have finished all three seasons of "Weeds" on DVD and need to find someplace or someone with Showtime so I can get caught up on season four. I have still decided that this television addiction is much healthier than my addiction to reality TV on MTV and VH1 by far. 

So, in general, things are going well. I have good things around me and my head is definitely in the right place. If you're reading, keep south Texas in your thoughts and prayers...my parents say the road to clean-up will be a long one. They are lucky to have only lost power. 

To euthymic: I'll get up some photos of the house when my mom and I finish hanging up some pictures when she visits next week! Thanks for reading!